Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Le Tour Approacheth




Well, it's getting real close to my favorite time of year. Yes, that hallowed month when I clear my calendar, drink a keg's worth of Hoegaarden, and positively obsess over men with shaved legs and arms as thin as electrical wires. This year's Tour, of course, has the added value of Mr. Armstrong's comeback, which loosely translates to better Versus coverage. Unfortunately, Mr. Livestrong Armstrong also attracts media coverage from respected news outlets such as NPR, which means, if NPR gives away stage results before I've seen the recap, my day is POSITIVELY RUINED. Typically, when such events occur, my anger is such that I'll swerve at squirrels and laugh at old ladies who slip and fall. BECAUSE I'M THAT ANGRY THEY GAVE IT AWAY.

Wow, I'm digressing already. Here's the deal: Contador is quite splendid, and I truly hope he doesn't get caught is not doping, because he's such a dashing young climber with enormous potential to elevate the sport back to respectability. Also, there's clearly tension within the Astana team, and infighting always makes for a fantastic soap opera, adding to the brilliant drama that makes the tour The Tour. Contador is already reportedly trying to switch teams, and almost succeeded, but the Kazakh government came through with the team funding. Meaning, it's Contador vs. Armstrong and Armstrong's bitches. It's promising to be reminiscent of the mid-1980s when Hinault and LeMond decided it was mano-a-mano, forgetting, apparently, they were teammates. They clearly passed this lesson on to Jan Ullrich and Bjarne Riis, who in 1996, engaged in a similar battle royal. Personally, I hope Contador kicks Armstrong's ass.

Honestly, I don't hate Armstrong. Though it probably seems like I do. I think what he's done for cycling has been fantastic, and I commend him for raising money and bringing attention to the fight against cancer. I do, however, disagree with his taste in women--and--here's what truly irks me: his insistence on referring to himself as "we." Um? Is your ego so large, Lancie, that you believe there are multiple Armstrongs inhabiting the same body? Here's a recent quote from the men man himself(s):

"Ninety minutes of the kind of watts we were putting out were what we needed to remind the body of what we need to do.”

I wonder if I would have more success, in, say, my dating life, if I started to refer to myself in the plural:

"Wow, we really enjoyed ourselves this evening. Would you mind not slobbering so much next time you kiss us?"

Or, I could try it at my next job interview:

"We have a lot of experience dealing with shitty clients. You should definitely hire us."

Despite Lance's ego problems, here's one thing I will say: The dude's got some serious sperm-regeneration capabilities. Have you not heard about this? His girlfriend just gave birth to another Armstrong child. What's puzzling is that Armstrong was deemed sterile after chemo, and his dear first wife resorted to having hormone shots in her ass and in vitro in order to bear him three children. I'm assuming Mr. Armstrong and New Girlfriend weren't using protection. Probable conversation:

Her: Wow. I guess I can get off the Pill, since, you're, um, sterile?
Him: Yeah, baby, it's awesome. I won't have to worry about your pill-induced mood swings.
A few months later...
Her: Um ... Lance, I'm pregnant.
Him: I DEMAND A PATERNITY TEST!



Ten more days, Internet. The Tour starts in ten days.

1 comment:

yummy mummy said...

Love your tour blogs. Such great writing and insight that I no longer read Velo news because I can just go straight to your site instead. Isn't it also great the tour and your birthday are in the same month!