Thursday, October 23, 2008

Official Letter to Fall

Dear Fall,

This letter is to inform you that you are in blatant violation of our signed agreement. I'll be generous here and briefly assume you lost my address. For your records, it is 1700 N. Elm St., Greensboro. If you did indeed lose it, then kindly disregard the rest of this letter.

Our agreement stated, in no uncertain terms, that you would make your appearance in mid-October and stay until January. Winter, with his powerful lawyers, weaseled in a month stay--from January until February. However, we stipulated that his stay is contingent on an agreement with the trees, promising they would not drop their leaves this year. All parties agreed.

So imagine my surprise when Winter showed up--months early, and you, friend, have been MIA. I do not need to waste time by going over the monetary damages this breach of contract will cost you--I hope you've got a nice hedge fund somewhere. (I'd suggest shorting stocks--John Paulson style. Avoid emerging markets right now--they're taking a beating.)

I am assuming Winter and his crafty lawyers have been slipping you some large bills, because otherwise, I can't imagine why you would have violated our contract. My lawyers will definitely be in contact. If you'd like to avoid going to court, we can setttle this quickly: Take your money out of the treasury bills you're trying to shield it in, and pay up.

Freezing My Ass Off

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